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Phew! What a year 2020 has been! I’ve heard one person brilliantly coin it ‘The Coronacoaster Year.’ I can’t think of a more apropos and honest way to describe it. It felt like being highjacked on an unending runaway roller coaster ride where you are being tossed like a helpless rag doll – experiencing one bad whiplash after another repeatedly. Indisputably, it was a painful year that’s altered our lives in ways we could not have ever imagined and has collectively left us as a world feeling worn out and weary. Nevertheless, while I could drone on about all the extra negative emotions piled upon me by this unprecedented year, I’m deciding to reflect on 2020 with gratitude for the silver linings my year in quarantine lockdown brought me. Before I delve into the positive aspects I was able to glean amidst an otherwise incredibly debilitating year, let me explain why I desperately needed this break.
You see, for quite some time now, before this awful pandemic, I yearned for a sabbatical… a moment of pause as it were, to recoup. I’m one who much prefers a slower-paced lifestyle, instead of the rat race of mindlessly rushing through life striving after things that have no enriching value. It’s a topic I write about often. The most ironic thing is, just days prior to the lockdown mandate I even wrote a blog post about five ways to live in the present and stop rushing through life. Strange, huh? Unbeknownst to me, that sabbatical relief was imminent. Never in a million years could I ever have imagined that my longing for a moment of stillness would come in the form of a destructive pandemic that would impose a complete shutdown. But, at the same time, the idea of sheltering in place, tucked away at home for an unknown period shed such a weight off my shoulders and gave me this sense of freedom that is hard to put into words.
Since our move several years ago, I have been unsuccessfully grappling to get into a good groove with my routine and headspace to where I can feel like myself again. The endless disappointing experiences that came tumbling down after the transition one after another like an avalanche has left me feeling out of sync and emotionally exhausted. Hence, life never fell back into place. And then, this pandemic hit!
However, as the year began to wind down, I started to reflect more deeply back on all the added discomforts that had occurred in just twelve short months – trying to process it all and I still couldn’t find the words to properly articulate how I was truly feeling this past year. So instead, I decided to focus on the positive takeaways for me. As I allowed myself this reflecting moment there in the stillness of the end of this dizzying year, what I realized is that despite the onslaught of all the horrifying negative experiences and circumstances 2020 brought… there have been some gifts. Gifts I so desperately needed. Quarantine lockdown came in as an attentive loving nanny that calmly tucked me away and protected me from all the things that were chiseling at my core for way too long for a mere mortal to endure. Staying at home all of sudden made all the painful things vanish. Time finally felt like it didn’t exist. I felt like that kid again on the last day of the school year. Falling asleep and waking up whenever I wanted, although being self-employed, I still kept up with my morning routines. But not being pressed or obligated to be anywhere, to meet anyone, or have any commitments felt so liberating.
In essence, there was an upside to sheltering in. It turned out to be a life raft for me. Not only did this isolation period allow me to focus on all the things I didn’t have enough time for, but one of the best gifts it’s given me is the freedom from being around those who tried so hard to change who I am or make me feel guilty for who I am. Thanks to this quarantine, I no longer had to spend hours replaying in my head, the under-handed remarks after being around people at mandatory meetings anxiously wondering about the things I said or should not have said. Gone is the anxiety of weekly coming into contact with feigning smiles of frenemies – staring me down from head-to-toe – having come to the conclusion they now hated me for whatever reason. Jealousy and envy are sure the worst diseases one can be struck with. Instead, quarantine lockdown gave me the gift to cherish peaceful and quiet moments at home I may otherwise would have missed out on, had I been out and about seeking other adventures. A time where we sat down and lingered at the dinner table with no place to rush to. A time where we finally saw our neighbors out and about leisurely strolling the neighborhood streets with their dogs and children walking together as families. Not walking from point A to point B, but just walking.
Even though I miss traveling tremendously, meeting kindred spirits along the way, and having dinner parties in my home, nevertheless, these isolated quiet moments alone helped me come to terms with the fact that it’s okay to stand alone sometimes. Especially when you feel the world is against you. I may still feel like a fish out of water not belonging anywhere, but normally in such forced circumstances, this is often the time when you develop yourself the most. As a matter of fact, I celebrate that I am here in this moment right now – having the freedom of being completely at ease with who I am. For that reason, I’m beyond grateful for this gifted period of mental quietness to help me work on rejuvenating myself as I slowly work on healing and rekindling within me the light-hearted joyful parts once more… in hopes of recapturing that part of my essence, yet again.
As an extrovert, it’s easy for me to feel lonely but this whole experience reminded me of something a mentor once said to me in my early twenties. She said, “sometimes it’s better to be alone than to be around the wrong people or have the wrong kind of friends.” As much as those words run contrary to my nature as a people person, but how true they are when you come to accept the hard fact that not everyone that hangs around you and laughs with you is for you. This is yet another one of these inevitable wretched life experiences that helps one become wiser still. In this time of extreme loneliness and isolation from others, I now have come to embrace that I don’t need to have a lot of external stimuli around me to be happy. Instead, the gentle, quiet peace and calm have stirred my soul to cultivate myself on a deeper level.
